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From
the desk of:
The Officer Commanding,
L'Effluent River Station, Protecterate Francais De L'Effluent et Lumbago. The
Person-in-charge The
German Trading Post The
Lumbago River My Dear Von Stomp, How I appreciate your two recent letters. You must have known that I find your Germanic attempts at humour to be as droll as they are crude. But, none the less, as a fellow prisoner in this green hell, I appreciate your attempts to raise your neighbour's spirits by these japes.
I have received persistent rumours that you have stepped beyond the
bound of the neighbourhood store and mission that you were operating and
have started claiming sovereignty over parts of the Potectorate Francais
De L'Effluent et Lumbago. Fortunately I know enough of your renowned sense
of humour to know that these rumours must be the result of some poor
native, who has not yet had the blessing of a proper French education,
misinterpreting one of your jokes. Nevertheless you will of course desist
from any display of German nationalism whilst you are a guest on French
Territory. I am sure that you understand mon brave... Your little joke about my Legionnaires raised a smile too. You will be aware that men wearing the kepi blanc have only one homeland-La Legion. Whilst we are on the subject one of my Legionnaires, a very nice chap who hales from Switzerland, but speaks very good German, told me he knew a Von Stomp at university. But apparently that chap was thrown out of the dueling society when it was discovered that he had faked the scar on his cheek with a razor blade. Apparently he could not raise his head in public again (no pun intended) and joined the Colonial Servicc. He wouldn't be a relative of yours by any chance? Small world isn't it? Thank you for your interest in my blessed children the Lobotomi. You might not be aware that before the late, lamented Father DeLacoix' demise the entire tribe took the sacraments and have opened their eyes to the light of religion and civilization and opened their hearts to the guidance of the Holy Father in Rome. If there have been any incidents of petty theft I am sure that they will confess it when the new padre arrives to guide their flock. In the meantime you will bear in mind that all members of the Lobotomi come under the Mother Church's spiritual protection and the physical protection of the French Republic. I must go now to entertain an American lady of whom I was once acquainted in North Africa. I'm sure you understand. I hope that your business thrives and I will be down to see you soon to collect the taxes due to the Republic.
Affectionately,
H.DeBeaujolais, Major.
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