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L‘Effluent River Station, 12th July The Office Commanding, British Forces, Near The Lumbago River.
Dear Sir,
I do apologise for writing to you like this, unannounced and un-introduced, but my heart was so filled with the glad tidings of an English advance from East Africa towards the Lumbago that, rather than spend months communicating through “channels”, The Quay D‘Orsey and Whitehall, I have taken the opportunity to dispatch this message by several trusted bearers in the hope that at least one will find you.
By way of introduction I am Major Henri De Beaujolais, late of Eton and the Spahis, Commander of the forces of the Republic on L‘Effluent and Lumbago Rivers. My mother was English so that makes me the perfect Frenchman. At The Old School my fag master was George Lawrence, perhaps you know him? Also an old colleague of mine in North Africa, P.C. “Birdie” Wren has written some penny awfuls in which I am mentioned in passing, but Birdie does exaggerate so.
I wonder if we met when I was in British East a few years ago. I stayed with Baron Bror Blixen and his lovely wife Karen at their farm in the Ngong Hills. What wonderful coffee they grow, who would have thought it so high up? And Karen is a much better writer than old Birdie! I took a particular shine to Barclay Cole and Denys Finch-Hatton. I understand that they have gone south and are now riding with the Shangani Patrol out of Bulawayo. My we could do with chaps of their calibre in these parts.
Anyway you can see that from this background I well understand your problem with the Masai. What magnificent warriors they are, the sort of foe that you can look eye to eye and both of you will see a man. But, mark my words, they will not stop until they own every head of cattle in the World. They are as much a threat to my peace loving Lobotomi as they are to you. Thus you can be assured of my full cooperation in any operation to curb their depredations.
A word of warning. As you move West you may encounter The Hun in the form of the ridiculous Colonel Von Stromp. He appears to be trying to carve out a colony on the Lumbago although the German Consul down river, and Berlin both deny this. It remains to be seen whether Von Stromp is merely mad, (or , more accurately, how mad,) or if he is the instrument of some darker scheme of German domination. I know that I can rely on your support, as the representative of The Queen Empress, should it be necessary to curb his machinations by diplomatic, or stronger, means.
One thing is for sure, and that is that Von Stromp is giving The White Man a bad reputation in these parts. He has done nothing to prevent the cannibalism of the Fukarwe people in his area, and it is widely believed, although there is no direct evidence as yet, that he is directly involved in the slave trade, both for political and monetary gain. He has also been rumoured to take local women to his bed, both singly and collectively. Relatively minor infractions like ivory poaching and forced labour go without saying. Taken all together Von Stromp is a rather bad egg, and not our kind at all.
I look forward to meeting you and establishing formal and very cordial relations. There are many good camp sites on the Lumbago, but when you are settled the first thing that you must do is come up river and stay over at my station. We have a charming mess, (don‘t worry, Von Stromp won’t be there, after the disgraceful exhibition of himself he made the last time he was here, I have told him that the mess has been closed as an example to My African Children, and he believes this!) That clever Mr Churchill was through a few days ago, and now I have the American heiress Miss Mary Hankinson Vanbrugh as a house guest. Her maid, Miss Maudie Atkinson is a countrywoman of yours, a Real Cockney Sparrow, I think you say.
As you know the Legion is famous for both its building skills and its heterogeneity. My chaps have laid out both a boule pitch a reasonably good wicket. I have three brothers who claim to be French but speak English awfully well and are naturals with the bat and the ball. I also have a few Americans who are great in the outfield, a bit disconcerting at bat, but have the strangest bowling action. No doubt you must have some talent with you, so all in all we should have the makings of the First Equatorial Test Match... interested?
One last, rather amusing point. Tales are coming in of a wild man living in the jungle. Some say that he is an English Lord who has been living here since childhood, so is a permanent resident so to speak. Therefore if you meet him, treat him with the deference he deserves! We shall have to decide if he is eligible to play for your team or for the L‘Effluent XI later!
I remain Sir,
H. De Beaujolais,
Officer Commanding.
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