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by
steamer packet
Government House,
Kaiserville,
Lumbago Junction. Major
De Beaujolais, OFFICER
COMMANDING, l‘eFFLUENT
RIVER STATION. SIR,
I have just received your letter which I found confusing but in the
end put down to your over indulgence of alcohol.
three empty bottles floated by yesterday which my fukarwi are ever
grateful for as they use them for floats for their fishing nets.
not as good as schnapps bottles but welcome all the same.
I think that swiss chap you have must be alp ine horne,
funny fellow who kept a goat in his bedroom,
swore it was for fresh milk and cheese but unfortunately hadn‘t
sexed the thing before he bought it. trouble
with the Swiss is they have no real identity so he should be at home with
your little band of gypsies. in
fact horne, or what ever name
he uses now, went up to university with my cousin willy,
willy was always a little soft which we believe he inherited from
his french mother. she
didn‘t even let him have a sabre until he was three,
if you can believe such nonsense and never allowed him to bathe
naked in the estate lake after December!
anyway the scandal over the dueling scar was unfortunate he had
such a hectic schedule that he decided to duck his finals in the club
hence the scar. although the
matter did cause some embarrassment I am glad to say he used a razor blade
that was both blunt and rusty so I believe his German blood overcame the
weaker Gallic stuff in the end.
however, we have heard
nothing of him since, he
certainly didn’t join the German foreign service,
a note was found in the dormitory that said he was going off to
join your chaps, of course his
French was perfect and no doubt he holds rank in the legion.
could have joined under his mother‘s name of course,
still if ever you hear anything let me know.
you can thank horne for me for bringing the matter up,
tell him I owe him one. does
he still keep mounting goats !
Bugga-ul captured one of your little Christians who has since
confessed his part in the boot theft.
funny how you can persuade them when you make them fry their
tongues and ears and make them eat them.
anyway he spat the whole thing out although some of it, I am sure,
was lies as not even a Frenchman like
yourself would ever condone such behaviour.
I have decided to build a canal from the lumbago up to our
phosphorous mine at gumbo falls. only
fifty miles or so and it will come as a great relief to our porters who
don‘t seem to understand that they should keep the packs dry.
such a waste but thank gott that there are plenty of porters
available. in order to feed
the canal a feeder canal from the l’effluent will probably be necessary
from just above your station. of
course one of the gains for you is that it should solve your crocodile
problem as they like deeper water. I
have decided to call the canal the anal channel which is quite fitting as
the l‘effluent will flow through it,
ha ha. I can imagine
the songs being sung by my happy lobotomi conscripts as they happily dig
away. “fifty miles up the anal channel . . .”
RESPECTFULLY
cOLONEL vON sTROMP
gOVERNOR GENERAL (sELF PROCLAIMED)
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