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by
steamer packet
Government House,
Kaiserville,
Lumbago Junction. Major
De Beaujolais, OFFICER
COMMANDING, l‘eFFLUENT
RIVER STATION. SIR,
I regret to inform you that my Fukarwi intercepted a number of
Lobotomi crossing their tribal lands,
alas by the time I was informed I was too late to intercede in
their quaint little rituals but enclose in the attached gunny sack three
nicely severed heads for return to their loved ones.
I also return to you two packets, unopened,
that were found in their possession unfortunately the third was
destroyed on the mistaken belief that it was a magic potion.
Anyway I thought you would like the packets back as they are
addressed to the commander of the British forces whom I believe is camped
around mumbo jumbo. I would
have sent them myself but didn‘t know if they were urgent as being a
gentleman I of course couldn’t open one to find out.
On another note I hear you have reopened your mess,
le‘cess pool, which
is heartening news and do hope that stain came up alright,
it has caused me great anguish that I shot that bearer boy chap
when he startled me because I know just how hard it is to find good
waiters in these parts, still
it wasn’t a bad shot for one in his cups and it certainly made you jump.
My little brown Brunhilda has come on a treat and I am toying with
the idea of taking her teeth out for safety reasons.
Whilst on the subject of ball games I hear you have been busy of
course cricket and boules isn‘t really of much interest to us Germans as
we prefer hunting and swordplay instead.
I have been busy of late blatting away at those damned lesser
sulphur crested effluent cockatoos, which
believe it or not are apparently quite rare.
I got twenty brace yesterday alone so don’t know how they can say
they are rare ! Just in case
they are worth something I have kept some specimens for the natural
history museums. It was a von
tromp by the way that got the last dodo so we were all so proud of great
uncle max. should you
wish to get a couple of specimens for your museums I would recommend a
trick told to me by William Cody when I visited America some time back.
use a really heavy bore gun and fire a solid ball into the branch
that the bird is on. the shock
waves knock it stone dead, doesn‘t
mark the bird at all and the natives think it wonderful magic.
William, or buffalo bill,
as he likes to be called told me this was how they hunted squirrel
and the like. I believe you
have a few americans with you, no
doubt they could show you how.
I wonder if you have heard of that wild man living in the region we
believe him to be Fritz von wilderman the long lost son of Baron
Wilderman. The
wildermans were camping here some 20 odd years ago when a troop of baboons
stole the baby from their tent. The
baroness went completely potty and the baron shot himself,
sad. My men call him
Fritz of the forest. anyway
it will amuse my niece Freda when she arrives.
My little vegetable patch has come on a treat and in the other sack
I enclose some small treats for you, some
very nice garlic and some cucumber. I
am told the English like cucumber sandwiches,
although personally I find little relish (ha ha) in them myself.
however should they drop in for tiffin you‘ll have something for
them as I don’t think they go too much on snails.
My chef recommends that you try the garlic with a haunch of gazelle
poking the cloves into the meat like you do with lamb. well I must go, just heard the cackle of those lesser sulphur crested effluent cockatoos coming back to roost.
RESPECTFULLY
cOLONEL vON sTROMP gOVERNOR GENERAL (sELF PROCLAIMED)
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